Let's Talk Parenting: Finding Your Balance in the "Great Debate"
Hey everyone, for this week, I am changing things up. I feel like my blog is feeling way too informational at times, and I feel like a robot. So, for this week, I am coming to you as a doula but also as a mom of three boys.
If you’re a new parent, about to be one, or even just supporting one, you've probably already realized there are about a million different ways to raise a baby. Every book, every expert, and every well-meaning relative has an opinion, right? It can feel overwhelming!
Today, I want to talk about the two main philosophies that often seem to be at odds: Attachment Parenting and Scheduled Parenting. But really, the goal isn't to pick a side—it's to find what truly works for you and your baby, and remember these are directly for Babies.
I only wish that I would of had all of this information when I had my newborns. When I started my journey to become a doula, I not only got the opportunity to support new parents through this new journey, but I was able to obtain answers to many of my own unanswered questions, things that I had always asked, “ Did I do the right thing?” or even “ what do I need to change for my newborn?”
As you continue to read, feel free to write down any questions you may have beforehand. If I didn't answer your question within this blog, please send me a message on Instagram, email, or even by text.
Now, let’s dive in!
The most common question asked nowadays for new parents often is “ What type of parent will you be? “, If you don’t already know, then let's keep moving, feel free to pause and think if each of the two philosophies we discuss is something that fits you and your partner, Remember this is not up to your mother, cousin or mother-in-law to decide, this is your child and you can be open to hearing their own experience on each of the two philosophies, but at the end its your decision to make.
The Warm Embrace of Attachment Parenting
Attachment parenting is all about connection, security, and responding to your baby’s cues. It’s based on the belief that a strong, secure bond in infancy sets the stage for a confident child.
A lot of the credit for organizing these ideas goes to Dr. William Sears, and he summed it up beautifully with the 7 Bs:
Birth Bonding: That precious time right after birth.
Breastfeeding: Seeing it as the optimal way to meet nutritional and emotional needs.
Babywearing: Keeping the baby close through carrying (great for those busy days!).
Bedding Close to Baby: Sharing a room or co-sleeping safely.
Belief in the language of the baby’s cry: Understanding that a cry is communication, not manipulation.
Beware of baby trainers: Avoiding methods that ignore cues.
Balance: The ultimate goal—finding what works for your whole family.
The takeaway here: This approach emphasizes a ton of skin-to-skin contact, which science actually backs up! Studies show that this contact can boost oxytocin (the "love hormone"), increase milk production, and help babies and parents regulate their emotions. It’s a beautifully natural, responsive way to parent.
Speaking of helping babies and parents,
I also like to include some additional information about Dr. Harvey Karp (author of The Happiest Baby on the Block). He really shifts our perspective with his concept of the "Fourth Trimester."
His idea is simple: human babies are born much less developed than other mammals. They basically need another three months of life outside the womb, treated as a continuation of their time inside the womb.
This is where his "5 S's" come in—soothing techniques designed to recreate the cozy feeling of being in utero:
Swaddling: Recreating that snug embrace.
Side/Stomach position: Holding them in a comforting way (though always put them to sleep on their back!).
Shushing: Mimicking the loud whoosh of blood they heard in the womb.
Swinging/Swaying: Gentle, rhythmic movement.
Sucking: A pacifier or the breast for comfort.
These techniques are a great tool for those moments when you just need to calm a fussy baby—they are scientifically proven to help with self-regulation!
Okay, that was probably a lot, so take a moment to do some deep thinking. Is attachment parenting a philosophy that you can connect with? If yes, then you can stop here or join us for the next part.
The Comfort of a Good Routine (Scheduled Parenting)
On the flip side, we have scheduled parenting. Now, before you picture a rigid military-style schedule, let’s look at what the core principles are really about:
Creating schedules for feedings and sleep.
The belief that a predictable schedule makes the parents (and often the baby!) feel more confident.
It helps maintain a sense of normalcy and structure when life is already chaotic and busy.
Basically, if your personality thrives on knowing what comes next, or if you have a demanding job or other kids, a predictable routine can be a lifesaver. It reduces decision fatigue and can make you feel a little more in control.
So now if you read the whole thing, but you are still unsure, and you're probably asking Thank you, Amy, for the information, but which one do I choose. Well, here is the answer!
The Secret Ingredient: Harmony
So, how do you choose? Here’s the beautiful reality: You don't have to fully choose!
Many families identify with a little bit of both. You might find yourself:
Wanting to breastfeed exclusively (Attachment), but needing to do it on a flexible schedule (Scheduled).
Choosing to hold and wear your baby constantly for comfort (Attachment), but actively trying to help them learn to sleep on their own (Scheduled).
Using the 5 S's (Karp) to calm your baby before putting them down in their own bassinet (Scheduled/Karp).
Whether you choose a doula, a pediatrician, or a friend as your guide, the best strategy is the one you create that aligns with your family’s needs and values.
There’s no "right" way—only your way.
On that note, I would like to say thank you for reading, and Happy Thanksgiving & see you next Wednesday for our new topic.